A life lesson from Juno

Juno: I just need to know that it's possible that two people can stay happy together forever.
Mac: Well it's not easy, that's for sure... Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is a find person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.

I have only known Jeremy for about a year and a half. Out of that year and a half, we've only been in one another's presence for about 7 months. In that short time though, I have found the 'person that's worth sticking with'. It's not just because, no matter what he does, I think the sun shines out his ass. It's an accumulation of reasons that manifest themselves in a feeling of being incomplete while he's gone. The longing I have to be with him surpasses most other longings I have ever felt. At his worst, he's still the best for me. Even if he isn't looking his best, he's still none other than a dream come true. (This is unbearably cheesy, I know. I'm in love. Get over it.)The point is, I miss my husband, and I can say with absolute certainty that what we have is a marriage in which we can stay happy together, forever.

I want to defenestrate my puppy.

Countless times I reassured Jeremy, “He won’t pee on the bed! Dogs don’t like to pee where they sleep.”

Since returning from Maine and bringing the Pol-tard home, he hasn’t had a single accident on the floor. We don’t have puppy pads tucked into corners anymore in case he has an accident. He simply hasn’t seemed to need it. He rings his bell, and we take him out, and it has been wonderful.

I collapsed into bed last night, exhausted. I hadn’t slept well the night before because I am not used to Jeremy’s absence. Last night, Apollo was strangely energetic, bolting though the apartment, and performing air assaults on his green rubber ball. (Our neighbors downstairs do not appreciate his acrobatic maneuvers and have, on more than one occasion, pounded on their ceiling as if they were trying to bust through to strangle me.) I tried to ignore Apollo’s absurd influx of energy, being that it was 1:30 in the morning. He finally jumped up into bed, nested around by my feet…

And then the little bastard peed on me.

And in doing so, he peed on the beautiful afghan Gram had crocheted, the comforter under that, the blanket under that, and it soaked through my sheets. Fortunately it didn’t have time to seep through to the mattress, because upon hearing the stream of piss and feeling it on my leg, I was screaming at Apollo and throwing him off the bed. I had no extra sheets, no extra blankets, and I sure as hell was not sleeping in his pee. So I was up until 3 doing laundry, just waiting for my angry neighbors to come scream at me as my over loaded laundry machine thudded around as if in some kind of unbalanced washing machine tap dance. I ended up sleeping on sheets and under a blanket that hadn’t had time to dry.

Oblivious to the trauma he had caused, Apollo nestled down beside me, his face pressed up against mine on the pillow. If he had known how murderous I felt at the moment, he probably would have preferred to sleep outside.

It's been awhile...

So, I haven't posted since... awhile ago. And a lot has changed in my life. For one, I'm married now. And now I live in Colorado Springs. And my life is dictated by the United States Army, for the most part. I also have a 6 month old puppy that has completely discouraged me from ever having children. But I am also incredibly happy.

For example:

Last night Jeremy and I spent about a half hour sitting on the floor of our living room with the shredded remains of our printer cable stretched out at odd angles trying to make connection with the computer while the puppy that did the damage laid stinking up the most awful storm with his new gaseous problem. After multiple copies of the same page printing, we finally got both sides of his forms for work to print. This is a weekly occurrence and always is a frustrating one.

Also last night, Jeremy informed me that next month, he'll be gone almost the entire month to the swamps of Louisiana to help train a battalion that is about to deploy.

Last week, Jeremy worked long hours, from 9 in the morning until 9 at night. On the nights that he was off by 6, he was still up until well past midnight working on paperwork.

Before Thanksgiving, Jeremy had to do a long ruck march and came home with no skin left on the heels of his feet. He came home exhausted and frustrated.

But despite the fact that these stressful situations weigh on us week after week, I would much rather be sitting on the floor trying to make an impossibly severed printer cable work with Jeremy and to be there to welcome him home from a terrible day to work, day after day, than to be anywhere else.

Even though the Army consumes most of our days and evenings, the moments that I get to spend enjoying my time with my husband are more than worth it. He's my best friend, and I know that marriage is not without it's times of stress and trial, and it only serves to strengthen the foundation of the rest of our lives together.

It's really mushy, I know. But marriage kind of changes a lot of things, including perspective.

filth

will You

reject

what rejects You?

spurn You
hate You
spit on You
mock You
despise You
disbelieve You
belittle You
dethrone You
malign You
betray You
use You
abuse You.

how far can i go?
how far can i go?
how far can i go?

how far am i already?

but when i am touched by an ungracious hand,

how far can i go?
how far can i go?
how far can i go?

in return, i become
a spurner
hater
spitter
mocker
despiser
disbeliever
belittler
dethroner
maligner
betrayer
user
abuser.

how far i am already.

does it make a difference
to run to you?

when i reroute, and start running your way

how far can i go?
how far can i go?
how far can i go?

will you take me
as far as you are?

questions and perfection

"your hair is the perfect length"
the repeat meant to romance

taper your ears

do you feel our lonely bones crying out for some recognition?

i'm alive i'm alive i'm alive
make me feel that i'm alive!

and no one wants to ask why
we excuse ourselves with our "why nots?"

this is all you have
but i'm not sure
what we have.

i'm not sure who i am.
i'm not sure what is real.

my hair is the perfect length.

i must feel nothing at perfection.
only the marring of it speaks up.

why?
why perfection?
why not?

tiring

everyone wants me

a little bit different

than what i am.

It's really not that bad.

Sometimes I think my life really sucks. I think about how I don't have money to pay my car insurance, and I'm in a vicious cycle of scraping by with car payments and no way out. And here I am, separated from my wonderful boyfriend once again, who I'm convinced I can't live without. And my best friends are scattered across the country. And my car keys are in Colorado. And Jeremy's car is broke down in Kansas. And we are both stressed. And we are trying to grow up. But we struggle with it. And I cry a lot. But then my co-worker who I share a locker with stashes 100 dollars in cash in my wallet to pay my car insurance. And I see a picture on Facebook from the day I spent with my best friends at the Art Institute. And I remember what it was like to sit out on the front porch with Ruth, Austin, and Jeremy, sharing drinks and good conversation. I remember I've been far from home. Independent. I spent my time at Moody constantly scraping by to stay in school. Shamelessly mooching to just put myself though college. And that time was peppered with blessings and moments of bliss. And it's the same now. Sure, I'm ready to pull out my hair because I can't see the end of my financial woes. But I'm also flying to Colorado tomorrow to see Jeremy. And my car insurance will get paid. And my next pay check will get me by again. As dismal as life seems when I'm longing for Jeremy more than anything, and my bank account is overdrawn yet again, I have to think of the moments where I would find myself saying to Jeremy 'I wish life could be like this all the time.' My life doesn't suck. I have so much to be thankful for. And I will get through. I'll hit bumpier spots in the road than this, I'm sure. But I will always have God, my friends, and hopefully Jeremy. And we'll stumble through life together. And it's going to be okay.