It's been awhile...

So, I haven't posted since... awhile ago. And a lot has changed in my life. For one, I'm married now. And now I live in Colorado Springs. And my life is dictated by the United States Army, for the most part. I also have a 6 month old puppy that has completely discouraged me from ever having children. But I am also incredibly happy.

For example:

Last night Jeremy and I spent about a half hour sitting on the floor of our living room with the shredded remains of our printer cable stretched out at odd angles trying to make connection with the computer while the puppy that did the damage laid stinking up the most awful storm with his new gaseous problem. After multiple copies of the same page printing, we finally got both sides of his forms for work to print. This is a weekly occurrence and always is a frustrating one.

Also last night, Jeremy informed me that next month, he'll be gone almost the entire month to the swamps of Louisiana to help train a battalion that is about to deploy.

Last week, Jeremy worked long hours, from 9 in the morning until 9 at night. On the nights that he was off by 6, he was still up until well past midnight working on paperwork.

Before Thanksgiving, Jeremy had to do a long ruck march and came home with no skin left on the heels of his feet. He came home exhausted and frustrated.

But despite the fact that these stressful situations weigh on us week after week, I would much rather be sitting on the floor trying to make an impossibly severed printer cable work with Jeremy and to be there to welcome him home from a terrible day to work, day after day, than to be anywhere else.

Even though the Army consumes most of our days and evenings, the moments that I get to spend enjoying my time with my husband are more than worth it. He's my best friend, and I know that marriage is not without it's times of stress and trial, and it only serves to strengthen the foundation of the rest of our lives together.

It's really mushy, I know. But marriage kind of changes a lot of things, including perspective.

filth

will You

reject

what rejects You?

spurn You
hate You
spit on You
mock You
despise You
disbelieve You
belittle You
dethrone You
malign You
betray You
use You
abuse You.

how far can i go?
how far can i go?
how far can i go?

how far am i already?

but when i am touched by an ungracious hand,

how far can i go?
how far can i go?
how far can i go?

in return, i become
a spurner
hater
spitter
mocker
despiser
disbeliever
belittler
dethroner
maligner
betrayer
user
abuser.

how far i am already.

does it make a difference
to run to you?

when i reroute, and start running your way

how far can i go?
how far can i go?
how far can i go?

will you take me
as far as you are?

questions and perfection

"your hair is the perfect length"
the repeat meant to romance

taper your ears

do you feel our lonely bones crying out for some recognition?

i'm alive i'm alive i'm alive
make me feel that i'm alive!

and no one wants to ask why
we excuse ourselves with our "why nots?"

this is all you have
but i'm not sure
what we have.

i'm not sure who i am.
i'm not sure what is real.

my hair is the perfect length.

i must feel nothing at perfection.
only the marring of it speaks up.

why?
why perfection?
why not?

tiring

everyone wants me

a little bit different

than what i am.

It's really not that bad.

Sometimes I think my life really sucks. I think about how I don't have money to pay my car insurance, and I'm in a vicious cycle of scraping by with car payments and no way out. And here I am, separated from my wonderful boyfriend once again, who I'm convinced I can't live without. And my best friends are scattered across the country. And my car keys are in Colorado. And Jeremy's car is broke down in Kansas. And we are both stressed. And we are trying to grow up. But we struggle with it. And I cry a lot. But then my co-worker who I share a locker with stashes 100 dollars in cash in my wallet to pay my car insurance. And I see a picture on Facebook from the day I spent with my best friends at the Art Institute. And I remember what it was like to sit out on the front porch with Ruth, Austin, and Jeremy, sharing drinks and good conversation. I remember I've been far from home. Independent. I spent my time at Moody constantly scraping by to stay in school. Shamelessly mooching to just put myself though college. And that time was peppered with blessings and moments of bliss. And it's the same now. Sure, I'm ready to pull out my hair because I can't see the end of my financial woes. But I'm also flying to Colorado tomorrow to see Jeremy. And my car insurance will get paid. And my next pay check will get me by again. As dismal as life seems when I'm longing for Jeremy more than anything, and my bank account is overdrawn yet again, I have to think of the moments where I would find myself saying to Jeremy 'I wish life could be like this all the time.' My life doesn't suck. I have so much to be thankful for. And I will get through. I'll hit bumpier spots in the road than this, I'm sure. But I will always have God, my friends, and hopefully Jeremy. And we'll stumble through life together. And it's going to be okay.

oh, this is all

entirely too serious.

how the hell will i connect my intuition
to real
solid
unchanging
truth?

how can both exist?

i believe they do.


as the deer pants

(saying panteth does NOT get you closer to God, only closer to christian colleges)

so my soul longs for You God!


and if You're faithful,
(and You are, whether i believe it or not)
You will bring this to completion.
i'm thankful for this good work.
i see it!
it's there!
in me.
in others!
i don't always see it,
but that is not surprising anyone.

come with me
and you'll see
a world of pure
fucking
reality bitches.

thank God He's more poetic than i.

in between

I am hoping that I am simply 'in between' right now. In between what, I don't know. I know what is behind, I have no clue what lays ahead, but I can only hope that life is way more than this. I feel like I may be standing on the edge of something good and wonderful, most likely difficult and trying at the same time. But surely, there has to be more than this. So for now, I hover in an awkward transition, savoring the sweet moments, like having Jeremy beside me, and hoping to forget the less wonderful moments, like seeing that my bank account is once again, overdrawn. As has been said time and time again, this too shall pass. Right?

ready, set, go.

what is self-protection?

what is self-reflection?

i've neglected my religion in hopes of finding God

the waves in the sea of subjectivity and intuition are looming

threatening to envelop forever

so i'm swimming to shore.

i'm so afraid i'll find myself back in that familiar land;

where religion births comfort, legalism - simplicity, condemnation gives self-loathing, sexism hands me the unattainable role, hierarchy keeps suppressed, gnosticism neglects matter, abuse imparts dysfunction, and sin, evil, and brokenness insure a mess.

"for I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus."

there is a Current where i'm at
pushing and pulling
where will it lead me?

i know there will be similar sights at this,
the new shore.

but it must be

that only truth will deliver comfort
and of course,
pain alongside it.

trusting One greater than myself births simplicity
where complexities and ambiguities will not be ignored.

self-loathing is inevitable
and abolished
given by God
is
newness
union
dignity
transcendence
righteousness
clean, healed, whole

blessings handed to me on my role as a human
with white skin
with womanhood
American
straight
churched
creative
independent
impatient
introspective
sensitive
compassionate
such sweet blessings

validation to be kept
if only between God and i
a choice can be made
to practice quietness for compassionate use
but never long suppressed
because this will be over soon

yes, on this shore
even matter will matter
it will be honored
in its rightful place

the relational ecosystem is imparted
i am put to good use
but never merely used
misused

and in this place,
the waves still beat the rocks.
sin, evil, and brokenness insure a mess.

but i will be standing on solid ground.

Who the hell am I? Was I? Will I be?

Today I found my journals. Well I didn't find them. I acknowledged their presence on my bookshelf. So I opened them up to have a quick catch up with myself. I am disturbed at how little I can relate to the 19 year old me, the 20 year old me. It's only been two years, but everything is different. I read words that I wrote in the midst of major depression, seeking healing and restoration. I wrote about how much I loved Arni, and how I never wanted to lose him, despite the nagging feeling that our relationship was going to end in failure. I wrote about how I wanted a baby more than anything else. I also wrote about what I observed in the city. I wrote about my PCM and named kids by name that I can only vaguely remember now. I wrote about worship in Torrey-Grey and how powerful it was sometimes. I prayed and pleaded with God in those journals. And I find myself flinching at my words. I feel like I am reading what someone else wrote. How could I have said those things? I can't relate to myself anymore. I don't know what part of me is real. I know who I am now, but how could I feel so passionately about things that meant the world to me, and not even feel a slight stirring in my soul for them any more? Is that part of me lost forever? Will I ever pen prayers to God and find in Him everything that I found before? I obviously don't care to relate to the immature me that loved Arni, but what about the me that realized how desperately I needed God. Did I grow out of that? Can I really believe that I am so self-sufficient and happy in my life that I don't need God anymore? That's how I feel. I'm not sure I want to wait until life knocks me on my ass again to find out that I needed Him all along. I don't want to become so dependent on my relationship with Jeremy that the moment it falters my world is in pieces. I know I need something more, but that need has some terrifying implications.

does any of thith make any thenth?

i'm on the defense.

hiding what's necessary - everything that's vulnerable. the list of soft spots grows and grows and tires me out.
if i start shutting some out, when will i stop?
but i have to retreat!
i need a safe place.
nothing here is as perplexing as my world becoming less safe than it was before.

distracting to ignore
the pigsty of relationships in conjunction with institutions
and the hum of my brain - the path of unhurt hurt.

is God good
or is my perception of good bad?

is God bad
or is my perception of bad good?

how does one interact with this world without getting their hands dirty?
even if we don't sin, we cause sin in others.
everything is connected.
so how does this One interact with this world without getting His hands dirty?
even if He doesn't sin, He causes sin in others.
everything is connected.

especially God.

i don't want to accuse You of something You didn't do,
but playing dumb is not only a disgrace to myself,
it's dumbing you down.
hilarious when the creation attempts condescension to its maker.
pondering You with complexity must be kin to worship.
i lose myself there.

but i think i'm starting to lose You too.

Love isn't always easy (...and maybe a roundabout way of saying I'm sorry...)

Sometimes it's really hard to not be selfish. Sometimes it's really hard to understand another perspective. Sometimes it's hard to admit when I'm wrong. But I am human, and I am foolish, and don't always make the best choices. I will be selfish, I'll be narrow-minded. I'll be stubborn and unwilling to own up to poor choices and hurtful actions. But so will you. We'll screw up and hurt each other, hopefully never out of malice, but simply because we are flawed. And hopefully, at the end of the day we'll still be able to say that what we have is worth the misunderstandings and misguided actions. I'd like to think I love you more than I love myself, and I hope I'll never give you reason to doubt that.

maybe we can just take turns writing and try to do it a few times a week. we're busy, important people. and i love you.

where does this wealth of friendship come from?

what have i done to deserve it? (NOTHING!)

but i need it, need it, oh so much.

and there are other things that i want,

but don't need.

no, not at all.

and need is relative after all.

physical needs, emotional needs, mental needs, spiritual needs.

pressing needs.

none of them truly trump the other.

at the end of every day i'm so grateful for the fulfilled needs i have

and yet,

at each day's beginning,

i wake up with them all over again.

no human being is without these needs.

we are all the same degree of pathetic.

how do we not have compassion when this is the truth about the lot of us?

how do we see someone as intimidating?

or less-than?

shame on us for forgetting our equality.

I suck at posting every day

I don't know what I am doing with my life. I have no idea where I'll be in 5 years, what career I will have, where I will be living. I am floating along. I am laughing off the people in my life who are older and wiser who are trying in vain to steer me to some kind of path. But what path? How do they know? If anyone knows what I should be doing with my life, wouldn't it be me? And I don't know. I'm kind of okay with it. Sometimes. Most of the time. I still have time to figure it out, right? There's no shot clock running down as far as I can tell.

i don't want to talk about it.

it's truly rare to remain unjudged.

i tell the world what's on my brain, the ideas, the hopes, the worries, the plans, the opinions, the questions as part of the invitation for people:

will you care for me? will you be a friend? an acquaintance? or less? or more?

those less or more are the harder to define, the rarer to experience, and often the most affecting. but, as i am surrounded by no more and no less than acquaintances and friends, i find that friends have the most say.

and at that, my friends need to start collaborating. i'm getting confused.

i suppose it's clear now that i define myself too much with the help of others.

but some people define their selves with too little help from others. so it's a matter of personality, a matter of choice, priorities.

but

i guess

right now

for myself

(how much longer can i postpone a statement of certainty)

i need to make a few decisions myself. and i've forgotten how to do that the last few years. i've let the health of others teach me. i've trusted you with myself. you have treated me well. thank you.

please don't take it personally when i say:

i need some time to myself.

herein lies a more subtle invitation, and i'm not quite sure the wording of it yet.

will you be present? will you be patient? will you stop talking? will you let it hurt?

sure, yes, maybe that's what i'm inviting you to. it's not very fun or pretty or popular and i refuse to take martyrs or saviors, so perhaps yet another bout of loneliness awaits. but. perhaps i doubt the caliber of my friends.

-i dont think we need initials when you use capitals and i don't.

Still

This evening, while watching the news with my family, I saw a brief report of a solider from Indiana who was killed a few days ago in Afghanistan. Despite the fact that Jeremy is home now, and will most likely not be deployed again, hearing of the death of a soldier still makes me sick. I spent way too much time during Jeremy's deployment imagining what it would be life if something happened to him. And I can still very clearly remember the anxiety from days of hearing nothing from him, and far too much on the news of escalating violence.
I wish that I could say that after the separation, the anxiety, and the longing for Jeremy and his safety, that I will never take for granted my time with him, and savor the moments we have together, but unfortunately I am human, and I am selfish, and someday I will probably become accustomed to being around him, the moments will lose their novelty. But for now, after being reminded of what he made it home from, I want to hold him and just allow myself to be relieved and grateful that he is alive and well. I want to savor the short periods of time we have together, and enjoy the anticipation that comes with waiting to see him again.

the beseech

"as for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good."

what?!
oh please.
too harsh.
evil hardly even exists anymore.

"the road to hell is paved with good intentions."

to hell?
really?
too harsh.
hell hardly even matters yet.

in order to love me, learn me.

but of course i do.
wait, sorry. what was that again?
learn what?
aren't we all essentially
...stamp, stamp, stamp...
the same?

in order to love me, learn me.

do i learn what you need?
what you desire?
how you feel?
how you think?
do i learn your habits? concerns? opinions? loves? hates? faults? virtues?
and do i care?

the road to hell has been paved with your intentions

but not in my world!
my world was perfect, and clear.
just because you can't fit -
!!!
if you don't fit in my world,
what kind of world have i created?

"as for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good."

-r

Question Mark

I'm not quite sure where I belong, and despite my love of independence, at this point, I wish someone would just tell me where to go and what to be. Perhaps hand me a map where X marks the spot and give me a good shove in the right direction. Instead of struggling to make the right decision, I want the solution handed to me, and I want it to be very easy to digest. I'm impulsive, but lazy, if the two can coincide. I have a vague idea of what I want, but am unsure if it's what I need.
-S
(For the record, I always forget to 'sign' my post and have to go back and edit it. Every time.)

in the midst of fiasco

i'm so grateful for parents, siblings, and friends who can see beyond their world and enter into mine, give an ear and counsel from a compassionate and gracious heart.

what more can one ask from the people surrounding?

they are eclipsing the wrongs of others
without belittling them.
seeing hope when i cant see it
covering the bases i can't.

it's good. so good.

i don't deserve this
but i need it.

sometimes suffering is accompanied with understanding.
and here in the warmth of good love,
i see the world a bit more clearly.
-r

The reoccurring themes in the existence of Sanyelle:

I know who I am, and sometimes it scares me. I sometimes miss who I used to be, but I don't know how to reconcile the two.
I hate being stuck where I am, when I know there is so much more to life than what I'm living.
I need to be around people who know me and understand me, and right now I'm more lonely than I've ever been.
There are so many things I'd like to study, but I have no motivation to go back to school and sit through classes when I believe that going out and experiencing the world is a much more sufficient source of knowledge, however impractical for getting a degree and surviving in the 'real world'.
I have no desire to be a part of the 'real world'. Fuck that.
I am naive, and happily so.
Life is an adventure. I want to spend it exploring, learning, being stretched and growing. I want to feel alive as often as possible, and have my breath taken away time and time again. I want to be humbled, I want to be broken and rebuilt.
I hope to find myself in relationship with God again, because I know that all of the rest will be futile without Him.
-S

Life is but a dream?

I do not know what to write about. I have plenty of thoughts cluttering my mind at the moment. The memories of the dreams I had this morning weave in and out of my thoughts, sometimes popping up with perfect clarity. For a moment I am back in the dream, flinching at some of the parts I would rather forget. At other times, I admire the detailed creativity of my mind in conjuring cities and places that I can't imagine exist in the real world. One common theme in all of my dreams this morning was road ways and water ways. In one part of the dream, I was galloping on a horse, through small country roads that intersected over rivers, and over a rusted metal bridge, eager to get back to the friends I had separated myself from. In another dream I was trying to navigate myself though the most extravagant exaggeration of Chicago, in which to get through different interchanges, I was cutting through grass and driving maniacally in order to just get to downtown. In my dreams I was always trying desperately to get somewhere, although I can't remember what was waiting for me at the end. Some of my other dreams were more terrifying, and yet another that left me feeling disgusted with myself just for dreaming it. I often find that my dreams stick with me for the rest of the day, depending on how well I can remember them. Sometimes they irritate me. Sometimes they leave me upset. Sometimes I cling to the memory of them because they seem so real, and they can be a portal to people who I love and miss, if only for the brief span of a dream.
-S

sorry if its a little emo, ruth is having a shitsucking week

Your movement is so clear and interactive

elusive and downright befuddling

it's clear You're speaking.

it's fuzzy - Your meaning.

right now all i can do is perk up

and listen to the You inside me.

but You're outside.

separate.

one.

You and i are One.

or was it one?

godliness with contentment is great gain.

godliness, a question i don't want to answer.

afraid to find myself wanting,

disgusted to find myself succeeding at religion.

was there a middle ground?

what the hell does it mean to be like You?

godliness with contentment is great gain.

contentment, a question i hope You answer.

are You content with this?

i hope so.

are You content with the fact that i am only content if You are?

is that love?

or have we discovered another limp,

another break,

another pathway to be rerouted?

godliness with contentment is great gain.

have i gained when my world is so entirely gray?

the puzzle pieces have obscured,

everything blends together. . .

everything is nothing, and nothing, everything.

sweet Jesus Christ my clarity

sweet Jesus Christ my sanity

-r

Am I really missing something?

1,066 miles later, after driving all through the seemingly endless night, through thunderstorms worse than I'd seen before, after running out of gas, and becoming lost over and over, I finally arrived, and the Colorado sun greeted me warmly. I was quickly assured that yes, the hellish drive through 5 states was worth it. And the feeling of my heart skipping a beat when I finally saw him standing on the street corner outside of his barracks on Fort Carson, setting my eyes on him again for the first time since seeing him step onto a plane that would take him back to Afghanistan; that moment alone was worth the trek I thought I'd never survive.

We sat in the Garden of the Gods, taking in the beautiful scenery, sitting on the very rock we had sat on the first time we had spent any time alone together before sparking our whirlwind romance. As I lay beside him on my back, drinking in the glory that surrounded me, from the sky cluttered with tiny clouds, to the Rocky Mountains behind us, the beautiful rock formations all around us, and the sprawl of the city before us, I thought that there was no way that life could possibly be any more beautiful, that in that moment, sharing it all with Jeremy, that this was what living is all about. I felt more satisfied than at any other time in my life, that I can remember clearly.

There is always a nagging, perhaps after the moment is passed, that as completely whole as I feel with Jeremy, as satisfied as my very soul feels in the moment, that I have chosen to neglect a more real and lasting joy. But it feels more like a vague memory, eclipsed by the glory of a human love that I can touch and savor and be consumed by.

-S

waiting for the san-san to get her butt in gear. i refuse to post once a day until she's on here.

i'm not sure if there is such a thing as healthy love.

because its not healthy to cause yourself harm

and yet

love always results in suffering.

if we were honest, our phrases would go like this:

"pain is blind"

"all you need is masochism"

"and the greatest of these is suffering"

love, love, love.

you mess everything up.

-r

show me who you are, don't say it.

because nothing is adding up, and i just want one source of input to decipher.

what happens when your actions say all the wrong things? i wanted to believe what you're lips were telling - love and respect and hope and trust and future. but you only said what you felt and your feelings were a storm, and a calm, and a fickle current, sometimes south, others north.

so i'll finally own up to the truth of painful, apathetic, selfish, careless, hopeless actions. i'm a nuisance, a means to an end, a bird to be handled, you're in control as long as you tell me what i want to hear.

but not when i run away. and run away i will, and run away i am, and i'll keep running till i can see clear.

-r

not sure if i'm sick or if i'm sad

keep asking the question why

and you will never get to the how

and to not determine a how

is to remain unmoving

unliving

dead.

-r