Question Mark

I'm not quite sure where I belong, and despite my love of independence, at this point, I wish someone would just tell me where to go and what to be. Perhaps hand me a map where X marks the spot and give me a good shove in the right direction. Instead of struggling to make the right decision, I want the solution handed to me, and I want it to be very easy to digest. I'm impulsive, but lazy, if the two can coincide. I have a vague idea of what I want, but am unsure if it's what I need.
-S
(For the record, I always forget to 'sign' my post and have to go back and edit it. Every time.)

in the midst of fiasco

i'm so grateful for parents, siblings, and friends who can see beyond their world and enter into mine, give an ear and counsel from a compassionate and gracious heart.

what more can one ask from the people surrounding?

they are eclipsing the wrongs of others
without belittling them.
seeing hope when i cant see it
covering the bases i can't.

it's good. so good.

i don't deserve this
but i need it.

sometimes suffering is accompanied with understanding.
and here in the warmth of good love,
i see the world a bit more clearly.
-r

The reoccurring themes in the existence of Sanyelle:

I know who I am, and sometimes it scares me. I sometimes miss who I used to be, but I don't know how to reconcile the two.
I hate being stuck where I am, when I know there is so much more to life than what I'm living.
I need to be around people who know me and understand me, and right now I'm more lonely than I've ever been.
There are so many things I'd like to study, but I have no motivation to go back to school and sit through classes when I believe that going out and experiencing the world is a much more sufficient source of knowledge, however impractical for getting a degree and surviving in the 'real world'.
I have no desire to be a part of the 'real world'. Fuck that.
I am naive, and happily so.
Life is an adventure. I want to spend it exploring, learning, being stretched and growing. I want to feel alive as often as possible, and have my breath taken away time and time again. I want to be humbled, I want to be broken and rebuilt.
I hope to find myself in relationship with God again, because I know that all of the rest will be futile without Him.
-S

Life is but a dream?

I do not know what to write about. I have plenty of thoughts cluttering my mind at the moment. The memories of the dreams I had this morning weave in and out of my thoughts, sometimes popping up with perfect clarity. For a moment I am back in the dream, flinching at some of the parts I would rather forget. At other times, I admire the detailed creativity of my mind in conjuring cities and places that I can't imagine exist in the real world. One common theme in all of my dreams this morning was road ways and water ways. In one part of the dream, I was galloping on a horse, through small country roads that intersected over rivers, and over a rusted metal bridge, eager to get back to the friends I had separated myself from. In another dream I was trying to navigate myself though the most extravagant exaggeration of Chicago, in which to get through different interchanges, I was cutting through grass and driving maniacally in order to just get to downtown. In my dreams I was always trying desperately to get somewhere, although I can't remember what was waiting for me at the end. Some of my other dreams were more terrifying, and yet another that left me feeling disgusted with myself just for dreaming it. I often find that my dreams stick with me for the rest of the day, depending on how well I can remember them. Sometimes they irritate me. Sometimes they leave me upset. Sometimes I cling to the memory of them because they seem so real, and they can be a portal to people who I love and miss, if only for the brief span of a dream.
-S

sorry if its a little emo, ruth is having a shitsucking week

Your movement is so clear and interactive

elusive and downright befuddling

it's clear You're speaking.

it's fuzzy - Your meaning.

right now all i can do is perk up

and listen to the You inside me.

but You're outside.

separate.

one.

You and i are One.

or was it one?

godliness with contentment is great gain.

godliness, a question i don't want to answer.

afraid to find myself wanting,

disgusted to find myself succeeding at religion.

was there a middle ground?

what the hell does it mean to be like You?

godliness with contentment is great gain.

contentment, a question i hope You answer.

are You content with this?

i hope so.

are You content with the fact that i am only content if You are?

is that love?

or have we discovered another limp,

another break,

another pathway to be rerouted?

godliness with contentment is great gain.

have i gained when my world is so entirely gray?

the puzzle pieces have obscured,

everything blends together. . .

everything is nothing, and nothing, everything.

sweet Jesus Christ my clarity

sweet Jesus Christ my sanity

-r

Am I really missing something?

1,066 miles later, after driving all through the seemingly endless night, through thunderstorms worse than I'd seen before, after running out of gas, and becoming lost over and over, I finally arrived, and the Colorado sun greeted me warmly. I was quickly assured that yes, the hellish drive through 5 states was worth it. And the feeling of my heart skipping a beat when I finally saw him standing on the street corner outside of his barracks on Fort Carson, setting my eyes on him again for the first time since seeing him step onto a plane that would take him back to Afghanistan; that moment alone was worth the trek I thought I'd never survive.

We sat in the Garden of the Gods, taking in the beautiful scenery, sitting on the very rock we had sat on the first time we had spent any time alone together before sparking our whirlwind romance. As I lay beside him on my back, drinking in the glory that surrounded me, from the sky cluttered with tiny clouds, to the Rocky Mountains behind us, the beautiful rock formations all around us, and the sprawl of the city before us, I thought that there was no way that life could possibly be any more beautiful, that in that moment, sharing it all with Jeremy, that this was what living is all about. I felt more satisfied than at any other time in my life, that I can remember clearly.

There is always a nagging, perhaps after the moment is passed, that as completely whole as I feel with Jeremy, as satisfied as my very soul feels in the moment, that I have chosen to neglect a more real and lasting joy. But it feels more like a vague memory, eclipsed by the glory of a human love that I can touch and savor and be consumed by.

-S

waiting for the san-san to get her butt in gear. i refuse to post once a day until she's on here.

i'm not sure if there is such a thing as healthy love.

because its not healthy to cause yourself harm

and yet

love always results in suffering.

if we were honest, our phrases would go like this:

"pain is blind"

"all you need is masochism"

"and the greatest of these is suffering"

love, love, love.

you mess everything up.

-r

show me who you are, don't say it.

because nothing is adding up, and i just want one source of input to decipher.

what happens when your actions say all the wrong things? i wanted to believe what you're lips were telling - love and respect and hope and trust and future. but you only said what you felt and your feelings were a storm, and a calm, and a fickle current, sometimes south, others north.

so i'll finally own up to the truth of painful, apathetic, selfish, careless, hopeless actions. i'm a nuisance, a means to an end, a bird to be handled, you're in control as long as you tell me what i want to hear.

but not when i run away. and run away i will, and run away i am, and i'll keep running till i can see clear.

-r

not sure if i'm sick or if i'm sad

keep asking the question why

and you will never get to the how

and to not determine a how

is to remain unmoving

unliving

dead.

-r