oh, this is all

entirely too serious.

how the hell will i connect my intuition
to real
solid
unchanging
truth?

how can both exist?

i believe they do.


as the deer pants

(saying panteth does NOT get you closer to God, only closer to christian colleges)

so my soul longs for You God!


and if You're faithful,
(and You are, whether i believe it or not)
You will bring this to completion.
i'm thankful for this good work.
i see it!
it's there!
in me.
in others!
i don't always see it,
but that is not surprising anyone.

come with me
and you'll see
a world of pure
fucking
reality bitches.

thank God He's more poetic than i.

in between

I am hoping that I am simply 'in between' right now. In between what, I don't know. I know what is behind, I have no clue what lays ahead, but I can only hope that life is way more than this. I feel like I may be standing on the edge of something good and wonderful, most likely difficult and trying at the same time. But surely, there has to be more than this. So for now, I hover in an awkward transition, savoring the sweet moments, like having Jeremy beside me, and hoping to forget the less wonderful moments, like seeing that my bank account is once again, overdrawn. As has been said time and time again, this too shall pass. Right?

ready, set, go.

what is self-protection?

what is self-reflection?

i've neglected my religion in hopes of finding God

the waves in the sea of subjectivity and intuition are looming

threatening to envelop forever

so i'm swimming to shore.

i'm so afraid i'll find myself back in that familiar land;

where religion births comfort, legalism - simplicity, condemnation gives self-loathing, sexism hands me the unattainable role, hierarchy keeps suppressed, gnosticism neglects matter, abuse imparts dysfunction, and sin, evil, and brokenness insure a mess.

"for I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus."

there is a Current where i'm at
pushing and pulling
where will it lead me?

i know there will be similar sights at this,
the new shore.

but it must be

that only truth will deliver comfort
and of course,
pain alongside it.

trusting One greater than myself births simplicity
where complexities and ambiguities will not be ignored.

self-loathing is inevitable
and abolished
given by God
is
newness
union
dignity
transcendence
righteousness
clean, healed, whole

blessings handed to me on my role as a human
with white skin
with womanhood
American
straight
churched
creative
independent
impatient
introspective
sensitive
compassionate
such sweet blessings

validation to be kept
if only between God and i
a choice can be made
to practice quietness for compassionate use
but never long suppressed
because this will be over soon

yes, on this shore
even matter will matter
it will be honored
in its rightful place

the relational ecosystem is imparted
i am put to good use
but never merely used
misused

and in this place,
the waves still beat the rocks.
sin, evil, and brokenness insure a mess.

but i will be standing on solid ground.

Who the hell am I? Was I? Will I be?

Today I found my journals. Well I didn't find them. I acknowledged their presence on my bookshelf. So I opened them up to have a quick catch up with myself. I am disturbed at how little I can relate to the 19 year old me, the 20 year old me. It's only been two years, but everything is different. I read words that I wrote in the midst of major depression, seeking healing and restoration. I wrote about how much I loved Arni, and how I never wanted to lose him, despite the nagging feeling that our relationship was going to end in failure. I wrote about how I wanted a baby more than anything else. I also wrote about what I observed in the city. I wrote about my PCM and named kids by name that I can only vaguely remember now. I wrote about worship in Torrey-Grey and how powerful it was sometimes. I prayed and pleaded with God in those journals. And I find myself flinching at my words. I feel like I am reading what someone else wrote. How could I have said those things? I can't relate to myself anymore. I don't know what part of me is real. I know who I am now, but how could I feel so passionately about things that meant the world to me, and not even feel a slight stirring in my soul for them any more? Is that part of me lost forever? Will I ever pen prayers to God and find in Him everything that I found before? I obviously don't care to relate to the immature me that loved Arni, but what about the me that realized how desperately I needed God. Did I grow out of that? Can I really believe that I am so self-sufficient and happy in my life that I don't need God anymore? That's how I feel. I'm not sure I want to wait until life knocks me on my ass again to find out that I needed Him all along. I don't want to become so dependent on my relationship with Jeremy that the moment it falters my world is in pieces. I know I need something more, but that need has some terrifying implications.

does any of thith make any thenth?

i'm on the defense.

hiding what's necessary - everything that's vulnerable. the list of soft spots grows and grows and tires me out.
if i start shutting some out, when will i stop?
but i have to retreat!
i need a safe place.
nothing here is as perplexing as my world becoming less safe than it was before.

distracting to ignore
the pigsty of relationships in conjunction with institutions
and the hum of my brain - the path of unhurt hurt.

is God good
or is my perception of good bad?

is God bad
or is my perception of bad good?

how does one interact with this world without getting their hands dirty?
even if we don't sin, we cause sin in others.
everything is connected.
so how does this One interact with this world without getting His hands dirty?
even if He doesn't sin, He causes sin in others.
everything is connected.

especially God.

i don't want to accuse You of something You didn't do,
but playing dumb is not only a disgrace to myself,
it's dumbing you down.
hilarious when the creation attempts condescension to its maker.
pondering You with complexity must be kin to worship.
i lose myself there.

but i think i'm starting to lose You too.

Love isn't always easy (...and maybe a roundabout way of saying I'm sorry...)

Sometimes it's really hard to not be selfish. Sometimes it's really hard to understand another perspective. Sometimes it's hard to admit when I'm wrong. But I am human, and I am foolish, and don't always make the best choices. I will be selfish, I'll be narrow-minded. I'll be stubborn and unwilling to own up to poor choices and hurtful actions. But so will you. We'll screw up and hurt each other, hopefully never out of malice, but simply because we are flawed. And hopefully, at the end of the day we'll still be able to say that what we have is worth the misunderstandings and misguided actions. I'd like to think I love you more than I love myself, and I hope I'll never give you reason to doubt that.

maybe we can just take turns writing and try to do it a few times a week. we're busy, important people. and i love you.

where does this wealth of friendship come from?

what have i done to deserve it? (NOTHING!)

but i need it, need it, oh so much.

and there are other things that i want,

but don't need.

no, not at all.

and need is relative after all.

physical needs, emotional needs, mental needs, spiritual needs.

pressing needs.

none of them truly trump the other.

at the end of every day i'm so grateful for the fulfilled needs i have

and yet,

at each day's beginning,

i wake up with them all over again.

no human being is without these needs.

we are all the same degree of pathetic.

how do we not have compassion when this is the truth about the lot of us?

how do we see someone as intimidating?

or less-than?

shame on us for forgetting our equality.

I suck at posting every day

I don't know what I am doing with my life. I have no idea where I'll be in 5 years, what career I will have, where I will be living. I am floating along. I am laughing off the people in my life who are older and wiser who are trying in vain to steer me to some kind of path. But what path? How do they know? If anyone knows what I should be doing with my life, wouldn't it be me? And I don't know. I'm kind of okay with it. Sometimes. Most of the time. I still have time to figure it out, right? There's no shot clock running down as far as I can tell.

i don't want to talk about it.

it's truly rare to remain unjudged.

i tell the world what's on my brain, the ideas, the hopes, the worries, the plans, the opinions, the questions as part of the invitation for people:

will you care for me? will you be a friend? an acquaintance? or less? or more?

those less or more are the harder to define, the rarer to experience, and often the most affecting. but, as i am surrounded by no more and no less than acquaintances and friends, i find that friends have the most say.

and at that, my friends need to start collaborating. i'm getting confused.

i suppose it's clear now that i define myself too much with the help of others.

but some people define their selves with too little help from others. so it's a matter of personality, a matter of choice, priorities.

but

i guess

right now

for myself

(how much longer can i postpone a statement of certainty)

i need to make a few decisions myself. and i've forgotten how to do that the last few years. i've let the health of others teach me. i've trusted you with myself. you have treated me well. thank you.

please don't take it personally when i say:

i need some time to myself.

herein lies a more subtle invitation, and i'm not quite sure the wording of it yet.

will you be present? will you be patient? will you stop talking? will you let it hurt?

sure, yes, maybe that's what i'm inviting you to. it's not very fun or pretty or popular and i refuse to take martyrs or saviors, so perhaps yet another bout of loneliness awaits. but. perhaps i doubt the caliber of my friends.

-i dont think we need initials when you use capitals and i don't.

Still

This evening, while watching the news with my family, I saw a brief report of a solider from Indiana who was killed a few days ago in Afghanistan. Despite the fact that Jeremy is home now, and will most likely not be deployed again, hearing of the death of a soldier still makes me sick. I spent way too much time during Jeremy's deployment imagining what it would be life if something happened to him. And I can still very clearly remember the anxiety from days of hearing nothing from him, and far too much on the news of escalating violence.
I wish that I could say that after the separation, the anxiety, and the longing for Jeremy and his safety, that I will never take for granted my time with him, and savor the moments we have together, but unfortunately I am human, and I am selfish, and someday I will probably become accustomed to being around him, the moments will lose their novelty. But for now, after being reminded of what he made it home from, I want to hold him and just allow myself to be relieved and grateful that he is alive and well. I want to savor the short periods of time we have together, and enjoy the anticipation that comes with waiting to see him again.

the beseech

"as for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good."

what?!
oh please.
too harsh.
evil hardly even exists anymore.

"the road to hell is paved with good intentions."

to hell?
really?
too harsh.
hell hardly even matters yet.

in order to love me, learn me.

but of course i do.
wait, sorry. what was that again?
learn what?
aren't we all essentially
...stamp, stamp, stamp...
the same?

in order to love me, learn me.

do i learn what you need?
what you desire?
how you feel?
how you think?
do i learn your habits? concerns? opinions? loves? hates? faults? virtues?
and do i care?

the road to hell has been paved with your intentions

but not in my world!
my world was perfect, and clear.
just because you can't fit -
!!!
if you don't fit in my world,
what kind of world have i created?

"as for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good."

-r