filth

will You

reject

what rejects You?

spurn You
hate You
spit on You
mock You
despise You
disbelieve You
belittle You
dethrone You
malign You
betray You
use You
abuse You.

how far can i go?
how far can i go?
how far can i go?

how far am i already?

but when i am touched by an ungracious hand,

how far can i go?
how far can i go?
how far can i go?

in return, i become
a spurner
hater
spitter
mocker
despiser
disbeliever
belittler
dethroner
maligner
betrayer
user
abuser.

how far i am already.

does it make a difference
to run to you?

when i reroute, and start running your way

how far can i go?
how far can i go?
how far can i go?

will you take me
as far as you are?

questions and perfection

"your hair is the perfect length"
the repeat meant to romance

taper your ears

do you feel our lonely bones crying out for some recognition?

i'm alive i'm alive i'm alive
make me feel that i'm alive!

and no one wants to ask why
we excuse ourselves with our "why nots?"

this is all you have
but i'm not sure
what we have.

i'm not sure who i am.
i'm not sure what is real.

my hair is the perfect length.

i must feel nothing at perfection.
only the marring of it speaks up.

why?
why perfection?
why not?

tiring

everyone wants me

a little bit different

than what i am.

It's really not that bad.

Sometimes I think my life really sucks. I think about how I don't have money to pay my car insurance, and I'm in a vicious cycle of scraping by with car payments and no way out. And here I am, separated from my wonderful boyfriend once again, who I'm convinced I can't live without. And my best friends are scattered across the country. And my car keys are in Colorado. And Jeremy's car is broke down in Kansas. And we are both stressed. And we are trying to grow up. But we struggle with it. And I cry a lot. But then my co-worker who I share a locker with stashes 100 dollars in cash in my wallet to pay my car insurance. And I see a picture on Facebook from the day I spent with my best friends at the Art Institute. And I remember what it was like to sit out on the front porch with Ruth, Austin, and Jeremy, sharing drinks and good conversation. I remember I've been far from home. Independent. I spent my time at Moody constantly scraping by to stay in school. Shamelessly mooching to just put myself though college. And that time was peppered with blessings and moments of bliss. And it's the same now. Sure, I'm ready to pull out my hair because I can't see the end of my financial woes. But I'm also flying to Colorado tomorrow to see Jeremy. And my car insurance will get paid. And my next pay check will get me by again. As dismal as life seems when I'm longing for Jeremy more than anything, and my bank account is overdrawn yet again, I have to think of the moments where I would find myself saying to Jeremy 'I wish life could be like this all the time.' My life doesn't suck. I have so much to be thankful for. And I will get through. I'll hit bumpier spots in the road than this, I'm sure. But I will always have God, my friends, and hopefully Jeremy. And we'll stumble through life together. And it's going to be okay.