does any of thith make any thenth?

i'm on the defense.

hiding what's necessary - everything that's vulnerable. the list of soft spots grows and grows and tires me out.
if i start shutting some out, when will i stop?
but i have to retreat!
i need a safe place.
nothing here is as perplexing as my world becoming less safe than it was before.

distracting to ignore
the pigsty of relationships in conjunction with institutions
and the hum of my brain - the path of unhurt hurt.

is God good
or is my perception of good bad?

is God bad
or is my perception of bad good?

how does one interact with this world without getting their hands dirty?
even if we don't sin, we cause sin in others.
everything is connected.
so how does this One interact with this world without getting His hands dirty?
even if He doesn't sin, He causes sin in others.
everything is connected.

especially God.

i don't want to accuse You of something You didn't do,
but playing dumb is not only a disgrace to myself,
it's dumbing you down.
hilarious when the creation attempts condescension to its maker.
pondering You with complexity must be kin to worship.
i lose myself there.

but i think i'm starting to lose You too.