i don't want to talk about it.

it's truly rare to remain unjudged.

i tell the world what's on my brain, the ideas, the hopes, the worries, the plans, the opinions, the questions as part of the invitation for people:

will you care for me? will you be a friend? an acquaintance? or less? or more?

those less or more are the harder to define, the rarer to experience, and often the most affecting. but, as i am surrounded by no more and no less than acquaintances and friends, i find that friends have the most say.

and at that, my friends need to start collaborating. i'm getting confused.

i suppose it's clear now that i define myself too much with the help of others.

but some people define their selves with too little help from others. so it's a matter of personality, a matter of choice, priorities.

but

i guess

right now

for myself

(how much longer can i postpone a statement of certainty)

i need to make a few decisions myself. and i've forgotten how to do that the last few years. i've let the health of others teach me. i've trusted you with myself. you have treated me well. thank you.

please don't take it personally when i say:

i need some time to myself.

herein lies a more subtle invitation, and i'm not quite sure the wording of it yet.

will you be present? will you be patient? will you stop talking? will you let it hurt?

sure, yes, maybe that's what i'm inviting you to. it's not very fun or pretty or popular and i refuse to take martyrs or saviors, so perhaps yet another bout of loneliness awaits. but. perhaps i doubt the caliber of my friends.

-i dont think we need initials when you use capitals and i don't.